Why You Might Want to Forego Chocolates and Flowers Altogether

I've enjoyed the comments and conversations from last weeks post. If you haven't read it, I encourage you to, but in a nutshell. I suggested that, rather than engaging in a forced gesture of flowers or chocolate, which ultimately are short-lived, make note of a habit you do, that your significant other would prefer you didn't do.

Then just stop doing it.

The impact on your relationship might be significant and will certainly last longer than flowers.

I took my own advice and decided to go right to the source, and asked Kathy if I had an annoying habit that bothered her.

She thought about it for a while (I hoped that was a good sign) then shared something with me. To be honest, I never would have thought of this, but once she explained it, it made sense to me...it was something I did every day...but I haven't done since.

We've never talked about it since, and I'm not waiting for some grand gesture of gratitude; but I hope it makes a difference for her...if nothing else, that I value her and how she feels and that I don't want to be a source of frustration.

Now, I'm under no illusion that her list was this short, I'm sure there are others. But this was a start.

If you're still convinced that the usual flowers, chocolate or meal out is your only option, I feel I should offer a word of warning.

Let me explain.

I often use scaling questions, with clients, and even friends and family from time to time, just to spark a conversation.

When I did more marriage counselling I would often ask both spouses to rate their relationship from 1-10. (And typically their answers wouldn't be close). But my point here is, if your marriage or relationship with your significant other is a 3 or 4 out of 10, flowers or chocolate on February 14 are not going to move the needle. In fact, the gesture may just make things worse.

An annual romantic gesture cannot make a bad situation better, only worse.

Why?

Because of the questions it will raise, whether asked out loud or not.

Questions like...

Why don't you do romantic things on other days?

Are you doing this out of obligation?

Do you not understand that our relationship isn't good? And do you really think a one-off gesture is going to change things?

Are you that out of touch with our reality?

See how something you hoped would be received as thoughtful, could actually come off as naive and thoughtless?

I'm not opposed to the flowers or chocolates, but they are best received as a celebration of something, not to make up for what's lacking.

If your relationship is struggling, and not worthy of flowers or chocolates, I encourage you to use the scaling question instead.

Here's how it could work for you.

Choose a good time when you both are able to focus and have the freedom to ask and answer honestly without fallout.

Have each of you rate your relationship from 1-10.

Regardless of the number, even if it's a 2 or 3...ask, what is one thing I can do to make it a 3 or 4?

Then start doing that.

An honest conversation that admits the struggle, and brainstorms ways to make it better, just might be the greatest Valentine's Day gift ever!

Happy Valentine's Day! However you celebrate it.

Until next time - Dan