The Lost Art of Friendship

A few weeks ago Kathy and I enjoyed a great weekend with good friends, Kevin & Nadine Russell. They moved to Alberta a couple of years ago and now live in Cochrane, AL at the foothills of the Rocky Mountains.

Now, I actually had someone question why we would go all that way, for just a few days. It's true, the flight times were brutal. On our return home we landed at 7:30am and I essentially stayed up for 2 days.

But the notion, that spending the money and time for just a few days with our friends was frivolous never entered our minds.

So we spent a few days hiking some incredible trails, some that were extremely taxing but just as rewarding, along with great food and meaningful conversations...it was a great visit.

On our first hike, I found myself by myself for a moment; it was surreal as I was walking alongside a beautiful river cutting through the majestic Rockies. I was revelling in the moment, struck by God's beautiful creation and so grateful to be sharing this experience with Kathy and our good friends.

That first evening we were enjoying a beautiful steak dinner back at their place, and in my typical, "Let's avoid small talk and go right to something meaningful" I asked everyone this question...

"Why do you think we are friends?"

Just your usual dinner banter. Nadine, smiled and seemed almost anticipating the level of communication. To be honest, this wasn't knew for the four of us. We proceeded to discuss the idea in general and how we became friends and how and why we continue to be so.

We talked about levels of friendship and what makes a friend; how they start, how they end and how they become better. It was a great conversation, and a perfect way to end a fantastic day.

Maybe I'm imagining this, but I'm concerned that creating, fostering and enjoying meaningful friendships has become a lost art.

What about you?

How many friends do you have? How did they start, and how do they stay strong?

Here are some thoughts about friendship

There are obviously different levels of friendship

You may have hundreds or even thousands of FaceBook friends, but they aren't equal in depth or meaning or connection.

I have what I call historical friends...you know, people I have known for most of my life, longer than any other, and if I saw them today, we'd hug and exchange pleasantries and the odd story or two.

Seasonal Friends

We've all had friends that we got close to but due to circumstances these relationships lasted for a time. There was a clear beginning and end. Maybe it was public school or graduate school, perhaps during a particular job, or before you moved away.

Kathy and I have moved a lot, and we have friends all over too. We don't talk every day or communicate regularly, but again, if we met up, we'd embrace and relish the chance to catch up. These friends can be invaluable and at the time seem like they will last forever. But geographical distance has a way of creating relational distance.

Small Circle of Friends

This is the level of friendship that seems to transcend all the other levels. Friends who don't go away, regardless of stage of life or distance. As the four of us discussed our friendship and why it was so strong, we identified some reasons why...

• We share life experiences...we met through church 14 years ago, worked together and participated in small groups together. We've shared family challenges and victories and all the ups and downs that life throws at us.
• We have core values is common...not only our Christian faith but our commitment to family and health & fitness...this is why we planned 3 days of hiking in the mountains. It was wonderful, brutal, exhausting and invigorating. And made more special because we were all in it together.
• We have each others back. We step up when we are needed, without being asked. It's almost automatic.
• We celebrate each other. We aren't in competition with each other. We want the other to succeed in all areas of life and support and encourage each other along the way
• We're intentional. Great friendships don't happen by accident. If you want strong friends, it's going to take an investment of time, resources and emotional vulnerability. Though we are 2 time zones apart, we text, video chat, and visit whenever we are in the same area.
• We reciprocate. Our friendship isn't one-directional. It's not a give and take either; but more like give and receive. And we always feel like we receive more than we give.

Dr. Will Miller calls this refrigerator rights. The kind of friends who can walk into your fridge without asking, just because you are that close. Now, keep in mind, going into someone's fridge doesn't make you close...your closeness allows you to go into their fridge. If you're a stranger or casual acquaintance I don't encourage you to open their fridge and help yourself to a cold drink or last night's leftovers. That's just weird.

What about you? Do have a friend like that? Even better, are you a friend like that? If not, why not?

"Well my life is filled with songs, but I just could not get along without my friends...And I'm happy now, but when this good life ends, I know a better life begins. And love to you sir Stonehill
Armed with your axe full gallop on your amp
Ah you're so crazy but you know it
And I love you as we both crawl toward the lamp

With Clapton on guitar
And Charlie on the drums
McCartney on the Hofner bass
With blisters on his thumbs...

And someone died for all you friends
But even better yet he lives again
And if this song does not make sense to you
I hope his spirit slips on through
He loves you" Larry Norman, "In Another Land"

Our daughter Megan has commented on the fact that we have incredible friends...and we do. And I'm so grateful for all my friends.

Thank you Kevin & Nadine for such a wonderful time...for opening up your house, for feeding us so well, for giving up your weekend to take us on incredible adventures, for having our backs, for wanting the best for us and sharing life together.

What a gift to have friends who will travel with you up and down the mountains!

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