Okay, So Life Is Hard...Now What?

Last time I made the argument that life is hard, and I doubt it took much convincing on my part. Like railroad tracks, life is both good and bad, challenging and rewarding...whether parenting, marriage, health & fitness or finances...almost any area of our lives can be hard...and the sooner we accept that, the better off we'll be.

But how you ask.

First, I believe that unmet expectations are a huge source of frustration. We may not say it out loud, but secretly we may actually believe bad things shouldn't happen to us; at least we act surprised when they do. But if we have a healthy expectation that life will be hard, we won't be so easily beaten down and discouraged when bad things happen.

Second, while I think there are times when we can't do much to change certain things, we also have agency to tackle some of the hard things in our lives.

How to be Successful in the Face of Hard Things

One of my favourite definitions of success is from Tony Evans, "Success is not what you have done compared to what others have done, but what you have done compared to what you were suppose to do."

Another definition is this.

Give a level 3 problem level 3 effort and give a level 10 problem level 10 effort.

Let me explain.

Problem one: I like the game of golf. But over the past number of years I've played very little which means all I can hope for is to break 90 if I'm lucky. So my golf game isn't what it could be. Let's call it a 3/10 problem.

Problem two: let's say that Kathy and I are struggling in our marriage. We're going through the motions, feeling some distance, not connecting in meaningful ways like we usually do, physically, emotionally or spiritually. Let's call this a 10/10 problem.

I could put 10/10 effort into improving my golf game, by taking lessons, hitting the driving range after work, and playing more rounds on the weekend. I would consider this putting a level 10 effort into a level 3 problem, and I may or may not improve my game.

At the same time, if my marriage isn/t what it should be, and I only give it a 3/10 effort, then it's likely not going to improve for sure. In fact, it will likely get worse.

Success in this case, would be for me to identify my marriage as a level 10 problem and give it level 10 effort to see it improve. I could take time to sit down with Kathy and ask how she is feeling about our relationship. We could take time at the end of the work day to go for a walk, or sit and talk about our day. We can be intentional about time together, we can pray more together, we can plan time together on the calendar, including going for rides on our motorcycle, because we both love doing that.

Do you see where I'm going with this?

A level 3 problem requires level 3 effort and a level 10 problem requires level 10 effort.

Full disclosure, Kathy and I regularly go for walks after work, we take time to ask how the other is feeling, we talk about our dreams, and we even rate our marriage from 1-10. If the number is too low, we talk about why and get very intentional about how we can improve it.

Oh, and we're going for a motorcycle ride tonight as well....always a good time for us.

So here's the principle again.

Success is identifying problems appropriately and giving them the appropriate effort.

Give a level 3 problem level 3 effort and

Give a level 10 problem level 10 effort.

But here's where things go sideways...

When you give a level 3 problem level 10 effort and a level 10 problem level 3 effort...you will stay stuck, or worse, your most important problems or struggles, will likely get worse...way worse.

My clients often complete a life assessment which asks them to score 8 major areas of life from 1-10. It offers a baseline from which we work together, and it helps identify areas that are doing well, and those that need some attention.

So how about you?

How would you rate the following?

Marriage 1 - 10

Work 1 - 10

Recreation 1 - 10

Health & Fitness 1 - 10

Family & Friends 1 - 10

Spiritual Life 1 - 10

Personal Growth 1 - 10

Finances 1 - 10

Okay. Now, in which areas are you doing well and which need some attention?

Now, is it a level 3, 4, 6 or 10 problem?

Now give it the effort it needs and deserves.

That's success.

And if you need some help, give me a call.

Until next time - Dan