Five Keys To 36 Years of Marriage...and Counting

Kathy and I celebrated our 36th wedding anniversary recently, while apparently, the average length of marriages ending in divorce is around 15 years in Canada, so I guess we're doing better than average.

The other day we discussed what has helped us get this far, so I thought I would share some of our own conclusions, with the hope that it will encourage or inspire you in your relationship.

Our Marriage is Based on Friendship

We met in Bible college back in 1987, and eventually we became friends and shared the same friend group as well. (Kathy approached me a week in and told me we were going to be married, and I thought she was crazy, but in the end she was right). But we did spend that year getting to know each other and we talked...a lot.

We like spending time together then and we still do; we walk together regularly, we have fun together and we are intentional about that. I started riding a motorcycle 5 years ago, and now we ride together...a lot. We both love it. The riding, the stopping for picnic lunches and visiting small town coffee shops. (Not to mention Kathy likes going fast too).

We have started, and bought and sold two businesses together. Working 50-60 hours a week together can make or break a marriage, but with some helpful coaching and persistence we found our rhythm. We're planning new business ventures still.

There's no one I'd rather be with than my best friend.

We Took Divorce Off the Table

Early on, especially after we had children, we made a commitment to each other that we would not threaten divorce. I'm not suggesting that there aren't times when that may be the only option for some; we just didn't want it to be a default out of frustration or become an unjust threat.

We haven't always been great at dealing with conflict in our relationship, but we both wanted to know the other was in this during the good and tough times. This wasn't an excuse to do whatever we wanted without consequences, but knowing the other was committed made things better.

Even raising a family, we believed that our marriage was the most important relationship in our home; and we believed the best thing we could do for our kids was have a good marriage, and stay married.

We Never Argued About Money

I know finances are a point of struggle for many couples, and I can't fully explain this, but we just never argue money, period. For the most part, we were on the same page about how we would, budget, save and spend.

We don't have any specific rules (like talking with the other if we want to spend over a certain amount) that govern us, we just seem to have a high level of trust. I know Kathy will spend money on the day to day things, while I tend to focus more on preparing to buy a car or a renovation we want to tackle.

The truth is, Kathy doesn't really like talking about finances much, while I enjoy learning different aspects of finances. Turning 60 soon means I've been studying for months the different approaches to retirement planning, though we don't really plan to fully retire at all.

Even in business, Kathy's eyes would glaze over during our regular business meetings; she'd just rather do the work. So we have learned to lean into each others' strengths.

But regardless, we manage our resources within similar boundaries.

This aspect of our relationship has certainly freed us from a lot of conflict.

We Have Shared Values

I think it was Virginia Satir, a pioneer in family therapy, who said, "We come together in our sameness, and grow in our differences." I believe our marriage has lasted this long, in part, because we have some foundational values, in common. Not only our faith, but our commitment to our family and friends. We value both. We both avoid debt as much as possible. We enjoy a simple life and don't need extravagance. We work, are part of a faith community, spend time with family (we're flying to New Brunswick tomorrow to be with Alex & Brittany, Blythe and celebrate our granddaughter Millie's 3rd birthday...we haven't missed a birthday of our 4 grandchildren yet...another shared value.

Note: I don't want to give the impression that our relationship is perfect or that we don't have some significant differences. We have plenty of those.

One of the biggest struggles for us is rooted in the fact that I lean toward being a minimalist, while Kathy is more of a "collector". I know this may not seem all that significant, but I'm like Denzel Washington in "The Equalizer" where he has 1 fork, knife and spoon, and has minimal furniture in his apartment.

We have 9 wreaths in our house. NINE!! 6 are Christmas wreaths and 3 are Fall themed. Kathy doesn't think I notice because they are not all stored in the same place in our house...but I know. I don't know why we have 9 wreaths...it's not like we live in a mansion.

I've had dumpsters in my driveway multiple times over the years and there is almost no greater feeling than filling them up. But Kathy has been known to go through them before they were taken away...just in case.

So we do have our struggles.

We Embrace the Adventure of Life, Together

This has been a theme of our family over the years. We moved often enough that our kids never attended the same school for more than 3 years in a row. But they embraced the adventure too.

Kathy and I dream together...our future is always with the other in mind, and we never stop talking about it or making plans together.

We have supported each other in the things we have wanted to do. Kathy was always beside me in pastoral ministry, and when she wanted to pursue her dream of a cafe, I put my career on hold to support her. It's just what we do.

I think the motorcycle is such a great metaphor for us too. We had an accident a few years ago, where thankfully she was okay, but I was taken to the hospital. While I was laying on the gurney, waiting to be seen, Kathy texted me, "I can't wait for our next ride."

Yes, I could have interpreted that message in different ways, but I smiled and knew that we'd be back on the bike ASAP...and a few weeks later, we went for a ride. Our first stop was the accident site...we rode there, stopped and prayed, and gave thanks that we weren't more seriously injured, then went for a long ride. And we've been riding ever since.

Why ? Because for us the adventure is worth the time, effort and commitment.

And we're just getting started!

Now I have to go pack for our trip!

Until next time - Dan