Better Than Chocolate & Flowers
With Valentine's Day around the corner, many who are in a romantic relationship are making plans which traditionally includes things like chocolate and flowers, and maybe a nice meal at a favourite restaurant.
As a former owner of a chocolate factory, I certainly appreciate the impact this day has, especially as an entrepreneur.
But to be honest, I'm not a big Valentine's Day guy...and thankfully, Kathy doesn't give it much of a priority either. One, we don't need chocolate while trying to stay healthy and two, flowers, while beautiful, are an expensive gesture that lasts a few days.
So I wonder if there is something we can do for that special person in our lives; something beyond confectionary and bouquets. Something that will potentially last for months and years and won't put weight on either.
Dr. Willard Harley, author of "His Needs, Her Needs" identifies 10 "emotional needs" that are part of most marriages, along with 6 "love busters" as he calls them.
The emotional needs include things like honesty, physical touch, domestic support, recreational companionship, honesty & openness, intimate conversations and admiration.
The love busters are the following...
- Selfish Demands: Forcing your spouse to do things your way.
- Disrespectful Judgments: Criticizing or trying to change your spouse's personality, interests, or attitudes.
- Angry Outbursts: Expressing anger through yelling, threats, or violence.
- Dishonesty: Withholding information or lying, which breaks trust.
- Annoying Habits: Behaviors that irritate your spouse.
- Independent Behavior: Making decisions without consulting your spouse or considering their feelings.
He goes on to suggest, using the bank account analogy, that a marriage succeeds when more attempts at meeting emotional needs are made than love busters at a ratio of 5:1. In other words, for every love buster (a negative withdrawal) five attempts of meeting emotional needs (deposits) are necessary to keep the relationship healthy...in the black, so to speak.
If a relationship has more withdrawals than deposits, each one can feel their emotional bank is in overdraft or worse, in a significant negative position. This can have disastrous results.
So here's my question.
Q. What is one thing your spouse would appreciate you not doing anymore?
I'll give you a moment; if you're honest this shouldn't take long.
Okay...have you got it? Maybe you should write it down.
Okay...now. Here's what I want you to do.
Stop doing it!
That's it.
If you do this; if you stop whatever annoying habit or behaviour your spouse would like you to, I almost guarantee your relationship will be better. And if you do this, not just for a day or a week, but commit to stopping it forever, this will be better than flowers or chocolate.
Waaaaaaayyyyy better!
Additionally, you can do this with any relationship that matters to you; friendship, child, parent etc.
But it's almost Valentine's Day...so let's do this together. Let's stop (fill in the blank) what our spouse would want us to.
The impact may not be felt on February 14, but it may positively impact your future in ways you can't even imagine yet.
And that seems way better than chocolate or flowers.
Next week: One reason why you absolutely should not give your spouse chocolate or flowers for Valentine's Day.
Until next time - Dan