Are You Successful? A Clear Way to Know...And a Cautionary Tale

Last time, I referred to a Harvard study that suggested that 93% of "successful" people die lonely.

Anyone, facing the last days of their life with no one at their side, is a very sad reality, and the extreme number of "successful" people who end up this way seems like a staggering statistic.

So what gives? If this is accurate, what is behind this end of life experience for so many who enjoyed a successful life?

I had a college professor who was a friend of Charles Ryrie. You may not know him, but Charles C. Ryrie is considered to be one of the preeminent theologians of the 20th century. He held multiple doctorates, was a professor, and author of dozens of books and editor of the Ryrie Study Bible, which I used for years, and is still in my study.

But in 1987, Charles wife Wilma left him after almost 30 years of marriage. She didn't leave because of infidelity or abuse of any kind, but because of neglect. (maybe this is abuse?) By some accounts, Charles spent so much time in his study or in the classroom that his wife just felt isolated and alone.

The pain of feeling alone while married became so intense that she felt she had no other recourse but to leave.

I'm not suggesting that Ryrie didn't make a huge contribution or that he didn't have a significant impact on his students and readers, but that he apparently made a choice to focus more on his career than his marriage.

So for me, Charles was not successful.

I don't believe you can be successful if you put your career ahead of those closest to you; especially your spouse and children.

And yet, many do. I see it. I've worked with some, even in Christian ministry.

But this past Saturday I had the privilege of sharing at my mentors funeral. Keith, was also my spiritual father and our relationship spanned 45 years. He knew as a teenager that he was called to be a pastor and he did so for over 50 years.

But he also was married to his wife Lois for 58 years, and he did both with integrity and without wavering. To me he was very successful at both.

I often tell my clients...if you're successful in your work but not successful at home, then you're not successful. Keith never cared about the spotlight or accolades...he just focused on being the best he could be at both. In fact, he would often say to me, "I could never serve so long and so well without mom in my life."

Keith understood that his success began at home.

BTW, anyone who puts their career ahead of their family, very likely has some deep-rooted emotional issues, stemming from their family of origin; but that's for another day.

If they are choosing advancement, recognition, applause and temporal reward, over the most meaningful relationships in their life, they are not successful...and very likely going to be part of the 93%.

Another reason successful people may die lonely, is because of how they viewed their role as a leader. I've often heard leadership defined by having to push people beyond where they want to go; and because most prefer comfort and what's familiar, they can almost resent a leader for their efforts. Just this morning I heard someone explain that this is where "it's lonely at the top" comes from. Leaders might be respected and even admired but they are not liked.

If a leader isn't liked, then I suppose, this may account for why after all the noise of a successful life gives way, they might be alone in their last days.

I once asked a coach of mine if you have to be a jerk to lead. Being part of a large organization herself, she gave a very thoughtful response, but stopped short of confirming my suspicions. At the end of the day, I just don't think you have to be a jerk to be a leader. But if you are, then loneliness might be your reward at the end of your life too.

My professor shared the sad story about Charles Ryrie as a warning; one I have never forgotten.

Maybe it's time to redefine what success is. And maybe it starts at home, not in the corner office.

Until next time - Dan